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Every Feeling I've Ever Felt

by Ellen Winter

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1.
I used to feel so much Iā€™d wake up in a haze Distorted proportions Of past bodiless voices Screaming my name I used to crave your touch Sick to my gut every day And Iā€™d be tossing and turning Up ā€˜til dawn every morning How did I live that way? Now I get so high And I ride the wave down Oh I get so damn high and I ride And I feel fucking stupid I feel fucking dumb Like I donā€™t fucking know How to be someone To anybody Iā€™m fucking Or whoā€™s fucking me I used to feel something I used to be free But now My mind wonā€™t let my heart be I used to suck it up Keep a stiff upper lip Oh cause Iā€™d rather stay quiet Than incite a riot But Iā€™m through with that shit I used to shut my mouth For fear of hearing my thoughts aloud But keeping ā€˜em caged Only made 'em enraged And now theyā€™re fighting to get Out To get Out To get Out Out Now I get so high And I ride the wave down Oh I get so damn high and I ride And I feel fucking stupid I feel fucking dumb Like I donā€™t fucking know How to be someone To anybody Iā€™m fucking Or whoā€™s fucking me I used to feel something I used to be free But now I feel fucking stupid I feel fucking dumb Like I donā€™t fucking know How to be someone To anybody Iā€™m fucking Or whoā€™s fucking me I used to feel something I used to be free But now My mind wonā€™t let my heart be My mind wonā€™t let my heart be My mind wonā€™t let my heart be
2.
Mantras 03:12
I canā€™t Take my eyes off of you Thinking about all the things I wanna do So tell me What is your next move? All I know is that I want you Why don't you meet me in the garden darling Iā€™ll show you how I bargain When the skies darken I donā€™t ask for a pardon I take Donā€™t want to be mistaken For a soft human whoā€™s prone to only making love I got faith Taste And a lazer beam gaze Zoom in on a kill And I lay that shit to waste With my eyes on the prize Subway stair running thighs Best believe I will leave the bar raised high I wasted days, months, years Letting insecurities pair up with fears Now that Iā€™ve leveled up Itā€™s clear All of that bullshit was in my head Look in the mirror Who do I see? Why itā€™s exactly who I thought Iā€™d be I wasted days, months, years Getting all kinds of caught up in my head But now I know Confidence is crucial On uncharted ground Mantras can be useful I like to tell myself that Confidence is crucial And tonight Iā€™m feeling it So tell me are you feeling this Letā€™s quit playinā€™ games I can't Take my eyes off of you Thinking about all the things I wanna do So tell me What is your next move? All I know is that I want you Why don't you meet me in the garden darling Iā€™ll show you how I bargain When the skies darken I donā€™t ask for a pardon I take Donā€™t want to be mistaken For a soft human whoā€™s prone to only making love I got faith Taste And a lazer beam gaze Zoom in on a kill And I lay that shit to waste With my eyes on the prize Subway stair running thighs Best believe I will leave the bar raised high Confidence is crucial Confidence is crucial Mantras can be useful Mantras can be useful I like to tell myself that Confidence is crucial Confidence is crucial So tell me are you feeling this? Let's quit playing games I canā€™t take my eyes off of you Thinking about all the things I wanna do So tell me What is your next move? All I know is that I want I want you I want you I want you I want you
3.
Kind of Love 03:41
4.
Soft Spot 02:35
Call me up and tell me how youā€™re feeling I wanna know everything I wanna know everything I do Call me up and tell me ā€˜bout your morning I wanna know everything What kind of coffee did you drink? What brew? Iā€™ve got a A soft spot Iā€™ve got a soft spot for you Iā€™ve got a A soft spot Iā€™ve got a soft spot for you Every time you speak All I can think is how far away you are And no matter where you are Iā€™m gone Every time you speak All I can think is will I ever get this out? Expel my demons from this house Have ā€˜em gone Iā€™ve got a A soft spot Iā€™ve got a soft spot for you Iā€™ve got a A soft spot Iā€™ve got a soft spot for you And Iā€™ve got this stain That will not go away Oh rips and tears On clothing that Iā€™ll never wear again But I keep them close For sentimental purposes Yes I keep them close for Sentiment Every time you speak All I can think is how far away you are And no matter where you are Iā€™m gone
5.
Itā€™s true Sometimes I wake up With no desire to groom Or get out of my bed Or even put on my shoes The world can feel so dark And dismal And blue So sometimes I forget Thatā€™s when you Patiently remind me Itā€™s not so bad Things arenā€™t so bad With you I savor every meal And every moment I choose To live Inside the present moment Itā€™s true You know that it is Infinitely better with you But sometimes I forget That's you patiently Remind me Itā€™s not so bad Things aren't so bad Itā€™s not so bad Things aren't so bad Things aren't so bad It's not so bad 'Cause we're good We're good You're good And I'm good We're good I smile and I Remember the time That you walked me home I smile and I Remember with you I am always home With you With you With you Hey With you I'm good My sides hurt My heart bursts In the best way With you And when I'm on my own The feelings stay You power up my light And I feel like I might Know myself a little better With you I'm good My sides hurt My heart bursts In the best way With you And when I'm on my own The feelings stay You power up my light And I feel like I might Know myself a little better With you With you With you
6.
Ghosts 03:49
Scratching at my door Tapping on my window Whispering into my ear Writing me notes Speaking in some kinda code Leaving messages For me to hear And what do I do about it? Do I listen? Do I shut down? What do I do about it? This time I look ā€˜em in the eye And decide to let 'em speak Cause at the end of the day Iā€™m doing better now Iā€™m not afraid I won't kick the ghosts out Hey Iā€™m doing better now Iā€™ve got a bookshelf full of Origin stories Carefully curated over time And when I face a living legend I know exactly how I can defend myself But also be kind And what do they do about it? They know I cannot defeat them Or have ā€˜em put down So what will I do about it? Well I wonā€™t be paralyzed By the fear Cause at the end of the day Iā€™m doing better now Iā€™m not afraid I won't kick the ghosts out Hey Iā€™m doing better now Iā€™m not afraid I won't kick the ghosts out I won't I won't kick the ghosts out I won't I won't kick the ghosts out I won't kick the ghosts out You can invite them Welcome them inside Let 'em stay the night They cannot hurt you If they bring the dark You can bring the light You can invite them Welcome them inside Let 'em stay the night They cannot hurt you If they bring the dark Cause at the end of the day Iā€™m doing better now Iā€™m not afraid I won't kick the ghosts out Hey Iā€™m doing better now No I'm not afraid I won't kick the ghosts out I won't I won't kick the ghosts out I won't I won't kick the ghosts out I won't I won't I won't
7.
Bedside 03:51
I donā€™t hold anything against you Or at least Iā€™m trying not to If you held me now Iā€™d bruise Still soft after losing myself in you And sometimes I find In the middle of the night Iā€™m wondering what the Other half of your bed looks like And if itā€™s been filled Like mine I find it weird How years of my life Seem to have disappeared overnight How long was I walking With a ghost by my side? I just wanted to be wanted But you didnā€™t want me right And sometimes I find In the middle of the night Iā€™m wondering what the Other half of your bed looks like And if itā€™s been filled Like mine You say your conscience hurts like hell And that you didnā€™t treat me well Wracked with guilt You just had to tell I know what you did I lived it myself You say your conscience hurts like hell And that you didnā€™t treat me well Wracked with guilt You just had to tell I know what you did 'Cause I lived it myself I lived it myself Moving fast But I feel slow Iā€™m not afraid to let go Eventually youā€™ll find Someone else to hold But you never forget The first person you truly know
8.
Crash&Burn 03:42
Thereā€™s nothing left to say That hasnā€™t been said before Reevaluating all of the sins I forgave you for Thought it was in my head I was being ignored ā€˜Cause when I lay in your bed You were still the man who I adored The man I adored Since you disappeared Progress has been made Without you here Thereā€™s no one to disappoint me So yes, I guess Iā€™m doing quite well How about yourself? How about yourself? Part of me still wants to see See you crash and burn Come crawling to my place And claim your lessons learned Only so I can say What you still havenā€™t heard Make you sick to your stomach Eating your own words When can I get When can I get When can I get my shit back? I wasnā€™t prepared To be left one on one Iā€™ll admit I was scared We hadnā€™t spoken in over a month What do you say When you know that itā€™s done? Iā€™m in a different place Than I was when weā€™d begun When weā€™d begun When weā€™d begun Part of me still wants to see See you crash and burn Come crawling to my place And claim your lessons learned Only so I can say What you still havenā€™t heard Make you sick to your stomach Eating your own words When can I get When can I get When can I get My shit back? (1 2 3 4!) When can I get When can I get When can I get When can I get When When can I get When can I get When? When? Can I Get When can I get When can I get When can I get When can I get My Shit back?
9.
[Faded] 03:39
If I could you purge your name From my brainwaves For a lifetime of peace Would I go through with it And would you do The same to me? How could we separate The bad times From the good? Maybe you'd be able I don't think I could Oo Oo I wonder if we Were to meet At our usual place Would you walk in Wounded and hoping To make your case? Or would we reminisce Smiling and laughing At the people we were? Knowing deep down Doing this shit Only makes it worse Mm Oo Oo And could we both look back and see Where we went wrong? Could we strip away the blame And say we don't belong? Could we go our own ways And never meet again, Knowing we are who we are 'Cause we fucked it up back then?
10.
Knots. 04:36
I didnā€™t notice When I grew up One day I awoke And my skin was rough To the touch I looked at my place And I saw space I didnā€™t know how to make it When I was young So now Iā€™ve got knots Where there ought to be Breaks Oh Iā€™ve got knots Where there ought to be Breaks I didnā€™t notice When you grew up All of our bills were paid on time I didnā€™t even have to remind you once I look at your face And Iā€™m unafraid I didnā€™t know how to brave this When I was young When I Didnā€™t want to see What was holding me back Something dark Growing underneath Not letting me speak On my own behalf So now Iā€™ve got knots Where there ought to be Breaks Oh Iā€™ve got knots Where there ought to be Breaks And Iā€™ve been taught How to remedy the ache One step at a time I unwind One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time One step at a time I didnā€™t notice When we grew up

credits

released October 16, 2020

Songs written by Ellen Winter

Produced by Ellen Winter, Chris Littler and Charles Wanless
Arrangements by Ellen Winter, Chris Littler and Charles Wanless

Mastered by Emily Lazar at The Lodge, NYC (assisted by Chris Allgood)
Engineered, Mixed and Edited by Charles Wanless (CRW Records)
Addtl Engineering by Eric Tait and Chris Atkins

Special Thanks to Kelly Tieger for title ideas and track order

Vocals, Piano, Ukulele, Synths, Drum programming - Ellen Winter
Bass, Acoustic & Electric Guitar, Drum programming, and the occasional synth - Charles Wanless
Addtl. Acoustic Guitar, Harmonica - Chris Littler
Drums - Sam Monaco

Violin - Lily Desmond
Cello - Sydney Shepherd
Flute, Clarinet - Katrina Yaukey
Sax - Stephen Rodes Chen
Trumpet - Matt Appleton

ā€œThe Feeliesā€ -
Madi Andrews-Moreno
Bri Clarke
Lexi Correa
Bella Exum
Samantha Hallenberg
Kate Herlihy
Leah Hohauser
Sara LiBrandi
Maya Owens
Caitlyn Primous
Virginia Richardson
Kat Rodriguez
Annie Shouse
Kristen Wisneski

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Ellen Winter Brooklyn, New York

It's cool to care.

šŸŽ¼ Composer
āœšŸ» Librettist
šŸ‘©ā€šŸŽ¤ Pop star
šŸ¶ Dog mom

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